Leading through grief means finding the balance between two extremes. You can’t let it spiral you out of control, and you can’t bury your head in the work and pretend nothing happened. The healthier path is somewhere in the middle… give yourself real time to grieve while still showing up for the people who are counting on you.
This is going to be a little different from anything I’ve written before.
In the span of about a month and a half, my family lost my brother, and then we lost my grandmother.
Is It Okay to Keep Working While You’re Grieving?
Grief hits every one of us in a different way, so we can’t pretend there’s a simple formula for it. You spiral for a while, you process, and then you’re good? That’s not how it works.
And on the other end of the spectrum, I don’t think it’s healthy to bury your head in the work, compartmentalize everything, and completely ignore what happened either.
I’ve struggled with this a lot, because so much of what I do is speaking on stages, hosting workshops, and leading events. I’m an entrepreneur, and there are a lot of people counting on me to get things done.
I’ll say this too… everybody who knew what was going on has been incredibly understanding, thoughtful, and supportive. But I still carry this sense of responsibility. This duty to keep moving forward.
Why I Showed Up to Speak Days After My Brother Died
A few days after my brother passed, I was scheduled to give a presentation at the Air Gulf Coast Symposium.
I thought about backing out. I didn’t.
I spent the day before building my slide deck. I didn’t even have time to practice it. I just put the content together, showed up, and delivered.
I did it for him.
My brother saw the version of me growing up that was so quiet and shy and reserved and afraid to talk to strangers. About a year and a half ago, he came up to The Woodlands and got to see me give a keynote.
He was so proud. Proud to see the man I’d become, going from an introvert who was afraid of people to someone who spends his life in front of strangers on stages, traveling the country, getting to inspire and influence and educate people. That’s my mission. That’s my purpose.
And he would tell the rest of the family, “Do you see where Sean’s at? Did you see what Sean’s doing?”
The event went well. Afterward, when people found out I had just lost my brother, a lot of them were shocked that I had shown up at all. But in a way, showing up helped me. It helped me honor him, and it helped me start to process things.
When Showing Up Means Knowing When to Leave
About a month later, my grandmother passed away.
She played a very big role in raising me, and she was always proud too. She didn’t fully understand the scope of everything I do now, but I’d share pictures and videos with her, and I think she kind of got it.
That same keynote in The Woodlands where my brother showed up… my grandmother was there too. She was struggling with Alzheimer’s, but she was still kind of there. I still have a picture of her in the front row, sitting next to my mom, smiling. Just enjoying the moment, watching me up on stage in front of a room of a few hundred people.
The day before she passed, I had another session I was leading, and once again I asked myself, do I back out, or do I go up to the nursing home and be there?
I knew she wouldn’t have wanted me to back out, so I didn’t. I went and met with the client. It was their entire technology leadership team at their annual strategy meeting, and I spoke to them about creating alignment across multiple functional domains, business units, and verticals. It was a great experience.
When it wrapped up, they invited me to dinner. I said no. I had to get back home to Conroe to be with my family.
And then she was no longer with us.
How Do You Balance Grief and Work as a Leader?
I’ve kept doing events since then. I recently chaired a conference, and when I look at the pictures, you can see how exhausted I am. It’s been a lot.
So I find myself in this place where I’m balancing two things… giving myself time to grieve and process, while also putting my head down and doing the work.
That’s how I’m able to honor them. It’s how I honor and respect myself. And it’s how I keep supporting everyone around me who is still counting on me.
I’ve got a lot more events over the next few months, and I won’t pretend that isn’t stressful. It’s constant prep for the next one, and then the next one. But that’s what leading through grief looks like for me right now.
What I Learned From Two People Who Could Light Up Any Room
When I think about my brother and my grandmother, they both had this beautiful gift. They could lighten up any room. They could make anybody laugh and smile. They could pull you out of a dark place.
For most of my life, that wasn’t me.
Like I said, I was always afraid of talking to strangers. And for a big piece of my life, I operated from a place of negativity. That was my default. I told myself I was just being a realist.
Over the past ten or twelve years, I came to realize that mindset never served me, and it never served anyone around me.
So I’ve taken a page out of both of their books and made it my mission to lift up as many people as I possibly can. I’m not as funny as they were. But I believe my gift is being able to see the best in people, and to let them know that yes, they’re on a challenging journey right now, and we all have to endure adversity… but they don’t have to do it alone.
I’m in their corner. I want them to win.
What Does It Mean to Be the Light for Someone?
Being the light for someone means noticing when they’re carrying something heavy and letting them know they don’t have to carry it alone.
It’s crazy how little genuine support it takes to change somebody’s world. I think that says a lot about how hard the world is for people right now. But it doesn’t take much.
My Ask for You
Think about how you can be that light for the people around you.
Your friends. Your family. Your loved ones. Your team. The people you meet at a conference. Maybe you notice somebody’s a little bit down. Just check on them, and let them know they don’t have to do it alone.
If every one of us could lean into that mindset, the world would be a much better place.
Frequently Asked Questions About Leading Through Grief
Is it okay to keep working while you’re grieving?
It can be, as long as work isn’t a way of ignoring the loss. Sean Barnes describes the healthiest approach as a balance: giving yourself real time to grieve and process while still showing up for the people who count on you, rather than either spiraling or burying yourself in work.
Should I cancel my commitments after a death in the family?
That’s a personal decision, and there’s no single right answer. After losing his brother, Sean chose to keep a speaking commitment because it helped him honor his brother and begin to process. He also said no to extras, like a client dinner, so he could be with his family.
How do you balance grief and work as a leader?
Give yourself permission to grieve, keep showing up for the commitments that matter, and be honest that you’re tired. Leading through grief doesn’t mean pretending you’re fine. It means carrying both at the same time.
How can I support someone who is going through a hard time?
Check on them and let them know they don’t have to go through it alone. It takes very little genuine support to make a real difference in someone’s life.
What does it mean to be the light for someone?
Being the light for someone means noticing when they’re carrying something heavy and making sure they know someone is in their corner. It applies to friends, family, your team, and even people you’ve just met.
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
If you’re leading through something heavy right now and still showing up for everyone around you, you don’t have to do it alone. Wolf Executives works with leaders across Houston who want someone in their corner. Let’s have a conversation.
About the Author
Sean Barnes is the founder of Wolf Executives, a Houston based executive coaching and leadership development firm, and host of The Sean Barnes Podcast. He spent two decades in progressive leadership roles across IT, human resources, ESG, safety, and transportation, and has guided organizations through dozens of acquisitions and integrations as well as two IPOs. Today he coaches directors and senior leaders through the transition into vice president level roles and beyond, and speaks at 40 to 50 conferences and executive events a year across North America as a keynote speaker and conference chair.
